Beautiful on the Inside
by louise.1808
Summary: Isabelle Lightwood is a high school student and the sister of Jace and Alec Lightwood. She has always struggled with her body image and never truly feels beautiful until Simon Lewis shows up. Will he be able to convince her that she's beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside? SIZZY, CLACE, MALEC, RATED T FOR BAD LANGUAGE AND EATING DISORDERS
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**Brief summary of the story and where it's going: **

**This story is a Mortal Instruments fan fiction from Isabelle's perspective which I decided to do since it's not done very often. It's set in an alternate dimension where the Lightwoods and Clary are in high school. It is about Isabelle's inner struggle with her body image and valuing her looks over the more important things. Pairings include Clace (although this isn't the main story line), Malec possibly, Sizzy is coming in future chapters and will be a big part of the story!**

Most teenagers wake up late, but not me. I wake up early. My alarm set for 5:30 and I don't even have to struggle out of bed. I just get up, and go straight to the bathroom attached to my bedroom, the one that requires entering through the creakiest door possibly in this universe. Not wanting to wake up my parents or brothers, I edge it open slowly. One inch at a time. And just as I'm about to slip through -

_CREEK_

Well. Let's just hope everyone is still asleep otherwise they'll be pissed, especially Jace. He likes his 'beauty sleep', or at least that's what he says. Alec and I just call it lazy.

I enter the bathroom and rinse my face with cold water, running my fingers through my hair. I stand in front of the mirror, picking out every imperfection. That pimple on my nose, the bags under my eyes, the small baby hairs that stick out annoyingly at every angle. With a sigh, I get to work.

By the time I'm finished, at least two hours have passed. My hair has been straightened, my skin smothered with a thick layer of makeup complete with dark eyeshadow and red lipstick, and my pimples effectively covered. I smile at myself in the mirror, but stop as soon as I remember that my smile looks stupid. I look too childish: my teeth showing and a little dimple appearing in my cheek. I'm seventeen, not five. I make a mental note to myself to not smile.

It may seem shallow that my only goal in life is to 'look pretty' but I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that there are more important things, I can't seem to help caring about my appearance. And when I say 'caring' I mean to the extent where I spend two hours getting ready for school in the morning. Maybe there are some deeply rooted insecurities that I can't describe or maybe I really am just shallow, I guess it doesn't matter. As far as anyone else knows I am pretty. And that's the way I want it.

I walk back into my room, throwing open the curtains. I close my eyes reflexively. I hadn't expected it to be that bright, it was dark when I woke up. I glance over at the clock. 8:00. _Shit. _As fast as I can, I stuff my makeup kit and books into my handbag and fight my way into my favourite lace-up high heeled boots. They may be too small for me but they will always be my favourite pair of shoes.

"Izzy! Are you even coming to school?" Yells a voice from downstairs. It's my brother Alec, he drives Jace and I to school each morning in his silver Mercedes something or other. Honestly, I don't care even a little about cars. All I know is that it's a fancy, silver convertible.

"Coming!" I yell back before double checking I have everything I need in my bag. I run down the stairs and manage to make it to the bottom despite being in three inch heels. Jace is standing at the bottom with Alec. He rolls his eyes and looks at his watch.

"Cutting it fine as always Iz."

I stick my tongue out at him, which I know is immature but I don't really care.

"Have you even eaten anything?" Asks Alec, concerned. Always the big brother. I run into the kitchen to grab and apple and take a bite, even if it is only to satisfy him.

When I open the door, I am greeted by a typical April morning. It is warm, but not too warm, and the air is filled with the twinkling sound of bird calls. The blip blip sound from the car signals that it is open and we all get in and Alec drives off, our mother waving at us from the porch. To all onlookers my life would seem perfect, but beneath it all I am harbouring immense insecurities that could destroy me if I'm not careful.

"Nice outfit today Iz, who you trying to impress?" Jace teases me from the back of the car, shouting over the wind. Alec is right on the speed limit in an attempt to get us to school in time. He's paranoid, we've got plenty of time.

"No-one in particular." I say, encouraging the inevitable banter. Jace loves to joke around and I always enjoy our witty conversations and Alec's depressingly serious comments.

"Who are you dating currently anyway?" He asks

"That's none of your business, and besides, I could ask the same thing of you."

"I don't date."

"And by that you mean no girl in her right mind would date you."

"Well no guy in his right mind would date you for fear of being trampled all over by high heeled boots."

"I have a boyfriend, actually." I say. This is true, his name is Raphael and he is a freshman in college, making him two years older than me. My father would probably murder me -or rather Raphael- if he found out I was dating a much older guy, but Raphael is nice and he had taken an interest in me. I don't feel particularly strong about him, but I will never find _the one _if I'm not willing to test the waters a bit.

"Who?" Alec asks, before Jace can even open his mouth.

"Why do you care?"

"I always care about who's got his hands all over my little sister." At this I scoff, "So which football team member is it this time? Please don't say Tyler that guy's an asshole."

"I would never date Tyler."

"Well that's a relief, but seriously who?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." I tease. I love Alec but he tends to be a bit over protective, especially when it comes to boyfriends. He was always interrogating me on who I'm dating and if he's good to me etc. These sorts of questions are nothing unusual really. "His name's Raphael but that's all you're getting." No way was I going to tell Alec I was dating a college student. He would freak.

"There's no-one on the football team called Raphael." Alec replies,

"Well that's probably because he isn't on the football team Alec." Jace adds, a humorous tone to his voice as he states the obvious,

"I gathered as much Jace. I'm just not sure anyone in our school is called Raphael." Alec says seriously, not picking up on Jace's sarcasm

I was saved answering by the stopping of the car: we had arrived at school. I turn just in time to see Jace jump out of the car -literally he jumped out rather than opening the door- and run after a redhead into school. Probably his latest girl he's chasing after. So much for '_I don't date.'_ I laugh to myself. Alec also gets out the car with a quick goodbye to go over to his friends so I make my way to my locker on my own. It's not that I don't have friends. On the contrary I'm quite popular, lots of people wanted to sit with me at lunch and come to my parties, I just don't have any permanent friends. I don't like to be surrounded by other girls. For some reason I can only ever see them as competition, rather than company.

My lessons go about as fast as swimming through honey, for lack of a better analogy. I've never taken much interest in school other than getting passing grades to please my parents. I still have no idea what I'm going to do in life, and that is really the least of my worries.

Finally lunch comes and I sit down at a table with Alec and Jace. Sometimes the two of them sit with their other friends at lunch, leaving me to join some group of girls but today is not one of those times.

"Hey you guys." I say, sliding down next to them with my lunch which I doubt I will even touch. I can never bring myself to eat much anymore, especially when it's from the school cafeteria. Jace is a whole different story as he stuffs one of the pathetically thin hamburgers into his mouth.

"Hey." He says between mouthfuls.

"Gross." I snap back, then turn to Alec, "So you know how our parents are going away next weekend..." I start tentatively. If I want to get my way I have to work at this carefully, Alec is a tough cookie to crack.

"I have a feeling I know where this is going." He says, putting his head in his hands and looking up at me. But before I have a chance to speak Jace cuts in.

"Party!" He yells, having just finished his mouthful.

I look at Alec pleadingly, "Please, I promise it won't be too big I will only invite a few people."

"By a few people you mean half the school." Adds Jace, rather unhelpfully. I shoot him an angry look and he just sits back in his chair, gesturing for me to go on.

"Come on Alec, we're in high school we can have parties." I say, as I start to argue my case.

"Yeah but you always want to seem to have house parties and they almost always end badly."

"Ok so I've had two parties before and it wasn't my fault Betty had too much to drink and threw up in mom's flowerpot!"

"Why can't you just go the someone else's house?"

"Everyone once in a while I have to host one at my house and this is the perfect opportunity!" I catch Jace smirking at this argument and shoot him a glare. I look at Alec pleadingly, doing my best puppy dog eyes. He loves me too much to refuse anything I beg him for.

"Fine." He says. Jace and I high five over the table,

"Party at our place!" Jace shouts, loud enough for the whole cafeteria to hear and they do. We hear a few "whoops" back and people begin talking excitably about themselves.

"But you're taking responsibility if mom and dad find out." Alec says.

"Fine." I say, mimicking his earlier voice and taking my phone out to post about the party on Instagram.

Alec looks up as if seeing someone coming up behind me but before I can turn around I feel breath on my cheek,

"Looking good." Someone whispers into my ear. I almost wonder if I imagine it, but no. I turn around and there is Tyler, walking away winking at me. Jace makes an obscene gesture and Alec looks like he might combust there and then. I can't deny, I enjoy guys hitting on me, even when I do have a boyfriend. It makes me feel beautiful and badass. At that moment Jace looks like he's seen someone and gets up, not even bothering to say goodbye to chase after someone with red hair for the second time this day. I take this as my cue to leave for next lesson and wave goodbye to Alec before getting up and crossing the cafeteria.

When I walk around a corner, I see Jace and the girl he chased after. She's petite and fragile-looking with long, wavy red hair and piercing green eyes. Her face is covered in freckles and she is smiling daintily at Jace who is leaning in and talking to her in a low voice. She is beautiful, it's not a surprise Jace is so obsessed with her. I try not to feel jealous as I walk past them and into my classroom.

I arrive to sports to hear possibly the worse news. We're starting swimming this term and I am _not _prepared. I mean, I have the equipment -swimming costume and towel- in my locker but I haven't shaved my legs and I'm not wearing waterproof makeup.

The girls around me in the changing room are undressing. Some of them have hairy legs or are not wearing any makeup, but none of them seem that bothered. My friend Aline who is changing next to me speaks,

"You not gonna get changed Iz?"

I can't do this. I dread the feeling of nakedness I know I'll feel once all my makeup has come off, and I don't want to take off my tights to reveal my legs which I haven't shaved for a week or so and are covered in stubble. I come up with the only excuse I can at that moment in time.

"I don't feel well." It's a lame excuse I know, but I was put on the spot.

"Go to the Nurse's office then." Says Aline, patting my shoulder. I can't back out now so I ask her to tell the coach where I went and grab my bags before walking to the Nurse's office and preparing myself for the inevitable interrogation.

Later on that day, I walk out at the end of school and I only realise I'm still holding my sick note when Alec comes up to me and asks,

"What's that?"

"Nothing."

"Let's see." He grabs it from me and looks down at it briefly before he starts his interrogation,

"You feeling sick?"

"Not anymore."

"Were you ever feeling sick?" I look at him and I know he will continue asking questions until he gets the truth, so I decide to tell it to him, partially.

"No I just wanted to get out of swimming." He scoffs but drops the subject. Just as I think I'm off the hook, a familiar face stops in front of me.

He's a foot taller than me, despite my high heels and is grinning down at me, flashing his white teeth. His dark hair is sleeked back with too much gel and he's wearing a black biker jacket, his hands in his pockets. Raphael.

"Long time no see." he says,

For a moment I am stunned. Raphael goes to college not high school, there's no reason for him to be here. I stare at him in shock,

"What are you doing here?"

"Heard you were having a party and I was wondering why I didn't get an invite."

Shit. I was hoping he wouldn't hear about the party so I wouldn't have to introduce him to Jace and Alec. Mostly Alec, who is now coming up behind me. I quickly shove Raphael around a corner so Alec can't see him.

"You can come." I say, not wanting to admit the reason I didn't invite him, "It's at my house this Saturday."

"Great." He says, leaning in for a kiss. Knowing Alec is probably watching, I dodge him and instead give him a hug. He looks at me confused but I just walk off, waving,

"See you on Saturday!"

**Please please please review I want to know what you think and also if you know of any good Mortal Instruments fan fictions from Isabelle's perspective. I've planned about 12 chapters for this story, although most chapters won't be this long. Also there will be more exciting stuff in the future, this chapter was mostly just a set up. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**So this is the next chapter. It's shorter because I hadn't planned for there to be a party in my original plan so it took longer than I expected. Anyway I hope you enjoy. **

"What did you say?" I yell at Alec. I couldn't hear him over the shouts and blaring music playing over our average speakers. Despite our house being the large, typical American suburban home it was still over crowded from the great turn out. Everywhere you look there are high school students: the jocks, the cheerleaders, the geeks, the artists, the activists, everyone is here. We had supplied a certain amount of beverages but many people had brought their own, and now the floor was covered with cups and the sideboards coated in spilled drinks. Out of the corner of my eye I can see a couple making out on the dining room table. I have half a mind to go and tell them to get a room when Alec shouts louder,

"I said Jace is here with his new girlfriend!" Now I'm interested, we finally get to meet the red head who has Jace so distracted lately. I follow Alec's gaze to find Jace standing in the doorway with his girlfriend. She looks slightly nervous, probably because of the party, but she smiles whenever Jace looks at her and holds his hand tightly. She looks so beautiful, even having turned up in jeans and sneakers and I have to make a conscious effort to not immediately dislike her. I guess you could say I'm intimidated.

"Hey." Jace says, as he comes up to us, leading the girl through the crowd.

"Clary this is Isabelle and Alec my brother and sister." He says gesturing to us, "and guys this is Clary."

"Hi." Clary says sheepishly,

"Nice to meet you Clary." says Alec. I roll my eyes, he's always so formal.

"So you're the girl Jace keeps chasing after." I say, eyeing her up and down. Clary just looks at me and bites her lip, nodding. Jace gives me a glare which radiates anger, but I just shrug at him. Leaving the three of them to work things out, I head into the kitchen.

Something about her effortless beauty infuriates me. I wish I could feel comfortable coming to a party in a pair of jeans. I hated that I was easily jealous of people, I knew I should compliment other girls on their beauty and help each other on tips for good makeup and stuff. At least that's what they do in movies. I had never really had a very good girl friend: I mean, I have Aline but we never really talk about anything important and I knew that if the moment came when someone else could make her more popular, she would leave me immediately. I tell myself that I don't _want _to be friends with any girls, but really I know that any friends I did make would be too put off by my jealousy. Clary seems nice and everything, but to get too close to her would be to reveal all my insecurities. Besides, I would be in constant fear of being outshined whenever I was with her.

I watch Jace, Clary and Alec from a distance: they seem to be getting on well. Alec is smiling politely -typical of him- and Jace is grinning whilst Clary still looks awkward although it looks like she's starting to relax. After a few minutes Jace leads Clary away, probably to get a drink, and Alec is left standing alone. Then, and he covers it up so well I might have imagined it, his eyes lock on something across the room before he hurries upstairs in a huff. I look at where he was staring, at the two people making out on the table. Maybe he was just disgusted at the PDA but it seemed to be more than that. I look at the girl, I think her name's Lottie or Lucy or something, making out with a guy who I can tell is Magnus Bane just from his hair. Perhaps Alec has some sort of crush on Lottie. Cute.

I am about to rejoin the party when I see someone familiar standing in the corner of the kitchen leaning on the counter tops. Today his is wearing jeans and a tight fitted top. Raphael. His eyes meet mine and I walk over to him stopping so that our faces are only a few inches apart.

"You like the party?" I ask,

"It's alright." He replies, his voice implying that all these drunk high school children are a bit below him, since he's in college. I lean away from him,

"You didn't have to come." I say bitterly.

"I came to see you." There's something about the way he says that implies he didn't come to talk to me or ask me how I am, rather something else.

"Well I'm here." I say blandly, but it doesn't seem to put him off. He reaches over and pours me a drink, and hands it to me wordlessly. I take it and take a sip before putting it down on the counter and he leans in,

"Isabelle." He whispers huskily in my ear. He wastes no more time and kisses me. He wraps his arms around me and the kiss deepens as he explores my body with his hands. For a brief moment I am so caught up in it all that I don't notice someone coming up behind us.

"Izzy." It's Alec. I break apart from Raphael immediately and take a few steps back in order to put some distance between us.

"Um Alec this is Raphael and Raphael this is Alec, my brother." I introduce them awkwardly, keeping my eyes trained on the floor as I refuse to look at Alec.

"I don't need this right now. I just came to get a drink." He walks over to the fridge, grabs a water and then starts walking back upstairs. I chase after him and grab his sweater.

"Alec wait."

"What is it Izzy? I'm not really interested in hearing about _Raphael._"

"Someone's put you in a bad mood!" I say, and before he can retaliate, "I saw you looking at that couple earlier, you know, the one making out on the table."

"What about it?" He says, attempting to sound uninterested but he's a terrible actor and I've known him my whole life,

"You seemed upset."

"Yeah well that table is quite old." He tries to avoid the subject,

"That's not what I mean."

"What do you want me to say Izzy?"

"Do you have a crush on Lottie or whatever her name is?"

At this Alec goes bright red, "Of course not."

"But then why would you-" I stop as it dawns on me. Perhaps Alec didn't have a crush on Lottie after all, maybe he fancied-

"Magnus. You like Magnus Bane!"

Alec doesn't even reply, he just walks away from me up to his room and slams the door in my face. I decide that maybe it's best to leave him alone.

I would never had guessed that Alec is gay, but it does make sense. He never took any interest in girls and he hasn't had his first kiss yet. I hope that he can learn to come to terms with it and I decide to be there for him as much as he needs.

Deciding I'm done with this party, I go to find Jace to ask for help kicking everyone out. I find him in some corner with Clary. I feel bad for interrupting their moment but I really need some space and that's hard to get in a house full of people.

"Jace." I say, and he looks up

"Isabelle is this important?" He seems a bit angry at me for interrupting them but I ignore it,

"The party's over come help me clear everyone out." Then I walk away and start shouting at people to make a move. I see Jace say something into Clary's ear and soon he joins me. Once everyone's out, Jace asks me where Alec went and I said in his room. I decide not to mention the whole Magnus thing.

"You normally love parties why did you cut it so short?" He asks,

"Just wasn't really feeling it." This is true. Usually I am a total party animal and I love getting dressed up and flirting and drinking but today I'm feeling tired. "Honestly I just want to go to bed." I say, and he seems to believe me. He's still talking to Clary when I go upstairs and collapse on my bed, without taking my makeup off, and fall asleep.

**So let me know what you think by reviewing! I would really appreciate some constructive criticism or some ideas as to where to take the story (even though I already have a brief plan). ****Also I'm sorry if there are any typos I didn't really edit much. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Sorry for the late update but because of Christmas I hadn't had much time to write. Hopefully in the future I will update faster! Enjoy this chapter :)**

After the party I wake up to smudged makeup and a house full of broken beer bottles, plastic red cups and crisp packets. Alec is already tidying up despite not having wanted the party in the first place, and I assume Jace is still asleep. I begin to help Alec pick up the rubbish and put it in large bin liner, of which Alec has already filled two.

"Good morning." I say, careful to tread carefully after what I said to him last night.

"You finally woke up. I thought I might have to tidy all this on my own before Mom and Dad get home." He says bitterly. So this is how he's going to react to my confrontation.

"I'm here now alright?" I say back, trying to sound calm but not doing a good job and containing my anger.

"I don't want to fight with you today Iz." Alec says, "I'll start on the living room you can keep doing the kitchen." And with that he grabs a bin liner and leaves. I know I should go after him and comfort him and tell him I love him no matter what, but right now I am so tired and I just want to finish cleaning and go back to bed. Maybe this is selfish of me, but I do think Alec could use some time to cool off before I confront him _again_.

That means that he'll be at my house, and I'm about to text back declining his offer to pick me up when I realise I don't have much to be stressed about anymore. Alec has already met him, and my parents are still away on their trip. However, these facts don't give me much comfort after the events of last night. At first I had thought Raphael was a nice guy but he hadn't seemed interested in me as a person, just interested in my body. Regardless, I decide to give him another chance, after all, no-one is perfect.

That evening, I hear a car pull up at my house at 7.15, despite the pre-arranged time of 7. Out of my window I see Raphael get out of the car, dressed in his usual jeans and leather jacket with his hair slicked back with far too much gel. I rush downstairs and greet him with a small kiss on the cheek.

"You ready?" He asks, and I nod and smile and ask him about his day. Not once does he ask me something about myself or compliment me in the slightest, but I ignore this and continue to be polite. Perhaps he's just nervous. He does open the car door for me though, and as we drive off I think I see Alec watching us out of an upstairs window from out of the corner of my eye, but I'm probably just imagining it.

The movie Raphael bought tickets to is the usual romance, and we sit through the first hour in silence. Then he very slowly takes his hand out of his pocket and reaches across to me. Though I notice him do this, I keep my eyes trained on the screen and pretend to ignore his hand placed facing upwards on the armrest, with a small smile to myself. I love playing hard to get. After a couple of minutes though, he moves again. This time his hand begins to run up and down my thigh slowly, sending tingles through my body. I remain still, my attention drifting from the movie to Raphael's touch, which would be nice if it wasn't for the overwhelming feeling of discomfort. Perhaps it's because of the public setting, even though nobody could see us through the darkness of the cinema. Eventually my brain takes over and I take his hand and move it away from me, placing it back on the armrest. I hear him release an irritated huff but he doesn't make any more moves to touch me throughout the movie.

Just when the tension between us becomes almost unbearable, the credits come on and the lights go up and I can see Raphael's face again. He seems to be smiling but his face is not friendly.

"You enjoy the movie?" He asks me, flashing his white teeth

"Yes, thank you for paying." I say politely as I get up and brush off my skirt, even though there are no crumbs. I realise I am feeling awkward after I basically rejected him. I never normally feel awkward.

"You want to do something else? One of my friends is having a party tonight." He says as we leave the cinema. This idea fills me with dread. I don't want to go anywhere else with Raphael, who is now making me feel wary, especially not some college party where there will be drinking and no-one I know.

"No thanks, I'm quite tired after the party last night." I lie, I am more alert than I've ever been after the tension in the cinema. Raphael makes a face but he doesn't push it,

"I'll drive you home then."

When we get into the car he doesn't start the engine. He just stares out of the windscreen for a few moments, as if pondering his next actions.

"Raphael?" I ask, and get no reply, "I really should go Alec will be worried."

He turns to me so suddenly it almost scares me, and then he leans over the seat and kisses me. The kiss is so fierce I wonder if I'll drown in it. I try to push him away, but he is stronger than me. I tell him to stop,

"Come on Isabelle." He says through breath, "I'm just trying to have some fun." At this point he is on top of me and there is not an inch of space between us. He continues to kiss me and I continue to mutter defiances under my breath and squirm away from him, but he is insistent. His mouth moves to my neck and I almost scream at him to stop. When he starts to pull at my clothes I really get scared. I scream and push, surprising him with my sudden outburst and then I bring my knee up between his legs. He cries out in pain and releases me, and I take the opportunity to run from the car, slamming the door behind me.

I run until my legs hurt and I can't breathe and I collapse onto the sidewalk. I sit there for a few minutes and will myself not to cry as |I catch my breath before I look up. I realise I don't know where I am and there's nobody around to ask, so I do whatever I do when I'm in trouble. Despite the fact that it is now 11 o'clock, I call Alec. The suspense of the ringtone is a nightmare and the wave of relief I feel when he picks up is so immense I feel I might actually cry, but I manage to hold it together.

"Izzy, everything alright?" He asks, sounding as if he had just woken up.

"Yeah…" I say, barely managing to get my words out, "I need you to pick me up."

"Why? Can't Raphael bring you home?"

"No." I say, so fast I think he realises the urgency,

"Alright send me your location I'll be there as soon as possible."

Alec couldn't get to me fast enough. For what seemed like hours, I sit on the pavement and hope Raphael isn't looking for me. Pray he doesn't walk around the corner to find my sitting on the pavement, vulnerable and alone. When Alec finally arrives I climb into the car as fast as my legs can carry me.

"Izzy what happened?" Alec asks, seeing my distressed state. I don't reply, I don't want to talk about it.

"Did Raphael do something?" I can tell his questions aren't going to stop unless I say something.

"I don't want to talk about it Alec. Please just take me home." He doesn't question me anymore and we drive home in silence. When we arrive I walk in a trance through the front door and up to my bedroom. I am minutely aware of Alec following me and hounding me with questions, and my mother walking out of her room to ask what's going on but I ignore them both. When I get to my door I walk through and slam it in their faces, collapsing onto my bed in an almost instant sleep.

The next morning I wake up late, which makes a change to my usual 6 am start. I come downstairs into the kitchen to lowered voices which stop as soon as I walk into the room. Alec, my mom and my dad are gathered around the kitchen table.

"Good morning everyone." I say, suspicious of the unusual gathering. My family rarely ever eat breakfast together.

"Isabelle," my mother says, "we need to talk." She looks at me like I'm a child who needs things to be explained to them. I'll always be the youngest child in her eyes, and she'll always look down on me.

"Is this about last night?" I ask, already knowing that it is,

"Yes-" my Mom starts but my dad interrupts her,

"Alec told us about what happened." At this I give Alec a look that could kill, and he looks at his feet, "What did this boy Raphael do to you?" My father asks, his voice urgent, "Did he hurt you?" I don't offer any response I just continue to stare at Alec, "Should I talk to him parents?" I really don't want to talk to my father about this, "Should we get the police involved?" That was it. I turned and ran up to my room and huddled under my duvet.

I hear arguing coming from downstairs but I completely zone out until I hear a knock on my door and my mom comes in,

"Izzy," she says, her voice softer than it was before. I don't look at her.

"I'm fine mom." I say, "He got a bit pushy so I ran away and called Alec. I'm not going to see him again you don't have to worry about it."

"Ok but Isabelle, you can talk to me if you need." She says, remaining standing by my door. I still don't look at her,

"I know." I think my mom takes this as her cue to leave because the next thing I hear is the door closing as I curl in on myself and finally allow myself to cry. I have never felt so filthy before and all I want to do is be clean so I shower and scrub my body raw, and then I cry some more and begin to feel a little better, until Jace comes in to tell me Clary is coming for dinner tomorrow. I can't stand the thought of her sucking up to my parents and talking about her art and her lovely life. Jealousy makes me a bitch, I know. But I can't help it.

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I thought this was an interesting way to break up Izzy and Raphael whilst following along the story line and developing Izzy and Alec's friendship and Izzy's feelings about herself. Please review! I really want to know what you think and if you're enjoying what I've written so far. xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi everyone! Thanks so much to all the people who have been reading my story. Seeing large amount of views and getting reviews from people really makes my day. It's nice to know you are as excited as I am about this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

I stand in front of the mirror as I prepare myself for the evening meal with my family and Clary. Just like I do every day, I stare at my reflection and pick out every flaw in my face and body. I notice how the bags beneath my eyes are darker than usual, and my skin is pink and blotchy, probably a result of the excess of foundation I have been wearing recently. Nevertheless, I cover my imperfections with the usual layer of makeup and when I'm finished I look at myself again. My skin looks smoother and matte, my eyes bolder, my face highlighted to perfection, but I still don't feel happy. I don't feel pretty. I am beginning to think that no amount of makeup will make me feel truly beautiful.

From my room I hear Clary's arrival and her overly nice greetings to my parents and Alec. The sound of her sickly sweet voice fills me with dread, as I know it means I have to go downstairs and pretend that I like her. I will have to pretend everything's alright, and put on a big smile. I hate faking happiness, but looking as miserable as I feel would only make people ask questions I don't want to answer. I wish I knew what caused me to be this unhappy, because with that knowledge I could try to solve the problem. Currently, all I can do is continue with my life as usual and hope that one day a miracle happens which relieves me of all my burdens. With a final layer of lip gloss, I take a deep breath and leave my room to join everyone downstairs.

As I walk down the stairs, I see Clary standing by the door with Jace, Alec, my mom and my dad. They are all smiling and exchanging pleasantries. Jace looks happy to be introducing Clary to everyone, my parents look happy, even Alec looks happy. Why can't I be as happy as them?

"Hey Izzy, you remember Clary right?" Jace says as he sees me emerge from upstairs.

"Hey Izzy." Clary says to me in that sugary sweet voice of hers with a natural smile on her face. She also looks happy, which is surprising because I thought she would be nervous to meet Jace's parents.

"Hi." I say, hoping I'm a good actor as I try to make my voice sound warm and welcoming, or at the very least, not spiteful. My mom takes Clary and leads her into the dining room, my father and the rest of us following close behind. We take seats at the dining table which we don't usually use, and I notice my mom has laid out the nice cutlery, the type we only use on special occasions. She didn't even use that for my birthday dinner. My mom takes a seat at the head of the table,

"Please help yourself to some food to start, the lasagna is still in the oven." She says, gesturing to the bread and butter in the middle of the table and then leaving, presumably to prepare the main course.

"Thank you." Several voices mutter as everyone starts to take a selection of the granary and seeded loaves. I notice Clary gingerly take a piece of bread and apply a sliver of butter. Maybe I was wrong, she does seem quite nervous.

"So Clary," my father says and I instantly dread the interrogation that's about to start, "you're in the same year as Jace at school?"

"One year below." Clary says politely,

"Jace says you're very good at drawing, is that something you want to do in the future?"

"Oh," Clary looks down "I wouldn't say I'm that good, but yes I want to do something with my art." I notice how she acts modest, but I bet she really thinks she's a brilliant artist,

"I'm hoping to study art at college." Now she's just trying to impress him. From there the conversation goes into all the high-end colleges she's thinking of applying to. I'm finally saved from her and my father's ramblings by my mother arriving with the food. She serves everyone up a plate, and announces for us all to "tuck in", but I just stare at my food. On the plate is what many people would call a carb fest: lasagna and potatoes with only a small side of green beans. Everyone else starts eating, seemingly unworried about the amount of fat in our meal. Well, I guess Clary wouldn't worry considering how skinny she is. Recently I have begun to be careful about what I eat to try and maintain a shapely body, so I eat the beans and then just fork around the rest of my food, hoping to make it look like I've eaten more as I listen to the conversation. My father, Alec and Jace are talking about the most recent football game and my mom is talking to Clary about her art.

"You know, with your art skills and Isabelle's fashion sense, you could probably design some beautiful clothes." My mother says,

"Oh, I'm not that good at sewing or anything." Clary replied, "and besides fashion has never really been my thing."

"Isabelle loves clothes, perhaps she can let you try on a few things of hers." I have to prevent myself from laughing out loud at the idea of Clary and I trying on clothes together,

"I doubt any of my clothes would fit you anyway, since you're so skinny and everything." I mutter under my breath, but the comment comes out more snarky than I was expecting. My mother turns to be angrily and I release the frustration I've been holding in. "It's obvious she thinks she's better than me, and she comes here with her perfect smile and sucks up to you and dad!"

The rest of the table hear what I say and turn to me, Jace giving me a glare that could kill. I don't know what to do.

"That's alright, I wouldn't want to invade your privacy." Clary says, offering me a comforting smile. But even her kindness can't make me feel any better, I'm already in a rotten mood, and now all I want to do is escape.

"I've lost my appetite." I announce, and get up from the table. As fast as my legs can carry me, I dash upstairs to my room.

I stay there for a while and stare at the ceiling, wondering when I got so mean. I really let my jealousy get the best of me this time, and now Clary probably thinks I'm a horrible person. Despite everything I dislike about her, she's still Jace's girlfriend and only now, when I've ruined it, do I realise that perhaps I did want to make a good impression. After what seems like forever but according to my clock was only 20 minutes, there's a knock on my door and Jace walks in, a sour expression on his face.

"What the hell was that for?" He almost yells, seemingly unable to contain his rage. I didn't realise he would be so angry, I know he likes Clary but he's brought other girls home before and he didn't seem to care this much then.

"I didn't want her to try on clothes which I knew wouldn't fit her." I snap back, I'm really not in the mood for a heart-to-heart discussion on why I'm so jealous of Clary.

"You could have at least been a little nicer about it, and that doesn't excuse the other things you said." Jace says, his voice still raised.

"Why do you care so much?" I say, challenging him.

"Because she's my girlfriend and I care about her a lot. I really wanted my family to make a good impression and you ruined it." He says, calming down now but instead looking upset. This makes me feel really guilty, I had underestimated the importance of this dinner to Jace and the last thing I wanted to do was upset him. But what confuses me is why Jace feels so strongly about Clary,

"Why do you even like her so much? Is it because she's so pretty and skinny and perfect?" I blurt out, unable to stop my thoughts from pouring out my mouth. Jace seems taken aback by this,

"Is this why you hate her so much? You're jealous?" He says, obviously shocked, "She feels the same way about you."

I am unable to hide my surprise. Clary could not possibly be intimidated by me, not when she's so beautiful and talented. Perhaps I had her all wrong, maybe she wasn't as stuck up as I thought.

"I'm sorry Jace." I say, looking at my feet. I had messed up.

"I don't want to hear it. Apologize to Clary."

By the time I go back downstairs, the food is long gone and everyone is sitting in the living room, laughing and talking. For a moment I feel left out, but I remind myself that I chose to isolate myself before opening the door and walking in. Instantly all heads turn to me, waiting to see what I will say and if I will snap again.

"Clary," I say quietly, "Could I talk to you?" Clary looks slightly puzzled as she gets up and makes her way over to me,

"Sure." she says, smiling. Alec offers me a small smile before I leave but Jace doesn't even make eye contact. He must still be angry with me. Clary and I stand just outside the door facing each other. I hadn't thought about what exactly I would say and for a moment I am lost for words.

"Um…" I stutter, Clary just looks at me patiently, "I'm sorry for what I said to you, I really didn't mean it."

"It's alright Isabelle, I don't really want to try on your clothes, I was just being polite as your mum suggested it." Clary says. I am surprised at her forgiveness. Usually when I upset someone or do something wrong, only excessive apologizing and pleading with get me a second chance, but this was so easy. It is refreshing to have someone forgive me so instantly, but I still feel I should explain to Clary,

"I'm not used to having to compete with other girls is all." I tell her, and she looks at me with a puzzled look, like what I just said baffled her,

"Other girls aren't your competition Isabelle, and besides, you're so beautiful I don't think anyone could compete with you if they tried." She says in a serious tone.

"I don't think of myself as beautiful." I say, my voice quieting as I begin to open up,

"You are beautiful Isabelle, and we don't have to compete. I want to be your friend." She says, smiling at me warmly, and when I look into her emerald eyes I realise she is genuine. Instantly every jealous and hateful thought I have towards her shatters around me like glass, and without the negativity it's like my vision has been cleared. I can see that Clary is just trying to be nice to me, that she has her own insecurities and she isn't my competition.

"I'd like that." I say, and she hugs me, and in that moment I feel as if everything is going to be alright because finally I have a friend.

**Thanks for reading! So this is a big moment in the story because Isabelle and Clary become great friends and next chapter Clary will introduce Simon to Izzy! Please leave me a review with your thoughts and opinions xx**


	5. Chapter 5

The next day at school, Clary sits with Jace, Alec and I at lunch. Which is nice because even though she sat next to Jace, she talked to me a lot and I can really see us getting along, and she brought Simon with her. I'm not sure I've ever really _seen _Simon before. I've noticed Clary walking around with him sure, but I never even really looked at him. Now he's sitting opposite me at the lunch table and talking and joking awkwardly with Alec and Jace and I can't not see him. Despite being a bit nerdy, he's a really _nice _person. He doesn't talk about himself too much, and he's a great listener and always asks questions, and he's really funny. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. At one point, he looks right at me and we make accidental eye contact. Immediately, Simon looks away blushing and I too feel my cheeks redden. No-one else seems to notice and they continue with their conversation,

"So Clary my parents loved you the other evening." Jace says,

"Yeah, our mom seemed super happy afterwards, I don't think Jace has ever been this serious about a girl." Alec says, and Clary blushes,

"Well I enjoyed the dinner." she says, smiling at me, "and I'm glad Izzy and I sorted things out."

I smile at her, "Yeah so am I," I say, "Actually, why don't you come over after school? You can hang with me and Jace."

"That sounds cool, can Simon come too?" Clary replies,

"I mean we should check with mom-" Alec says, but I cut him off,

"Don't be such a buzzkill Alec, our mom loves Clary and I'm sure she'll be fine with Simon coming over." I say,

"I don't want to impose," Simon says,

"Don't be silly Simon," I reply, "we'd love to have you over."

At this Simon blushes and mutters something under his breath that sounded like a thank you. I see Clary shoot me a look out of the corner of her eye, but I can't work out what she's trying to say.

"I'll text mom and let her know." Alec says, and soon after everything is confirmed we arrange to meet outside school after last period.

Later that day, Clary and I are sitting in my room. I'm painting her nails and Clary is talking to me about Jace and her.

"I've never felt this strongly about anyone before." she says as I add an extra coat of the shade "rosey pink" to her toe nails, "I really hope things work out between us."

At that I look up from my work, screwing on the lid to the nail polish and giving Clary a serious look, "I've never seen Jace care so much about a girl before. He really likes you."

Clary gives me a small smile, "Really?"

"Yes! I mean it."

"Thanks for that Izzy, but what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, have you got a boyfriend?"

"I did." I say, remembering Raphael and the way he treated me, "but it didn't work out."

"Oh I'm sorry." Clary says in a sympathetic voice,

"Don't be. He was a total douche bag." I say rolling my eyes and then Clary laughs, and I laugh and before I know it we are rolling around on the floor, both of us clutching our stomachs. I think I've laughed the most in the last day than I ever have before, and it wasn't even that funny.

"Careful you'll smudge your nails!" I say, and we both get up and Clary looks at me as if considering her next words carefully,

"Iz." Says Clary, "I think Simon may have a little crush on you."

"Don't be ridiculous." I reply,

"I'm serious, he's never acted like this around anyone before. He's all shy, it's so unlike him."

"Maybe he's just intimidated by me." I suggest, lacking any other better ideas

"He is a little,"

"I was joking." I say, pretending to be offended,

"I mean it in a good way. It's like he's so astounded by your beauty he can't say anything and he's too embarrassed to even look at you."

I start laughing. "Clary that's ridiculous, no boy could think I'm so beautiful they're lost for words." Many boys notice me. They cat-call and tell me how sexy I look, but Simon isn't anything like that.

"You should ask him out, since you don't have a boyfriend."

I shake my head intensely, "No way."

"Why not?"

"Because he'd say no." I stated, as if it's a plain fact

"Of course he wouldn't! He's totally into you."

"Clary this is your best friend we're talking about. If it goes badly it will make it awkward for you." I say, trying to make her drop the subject.

"You're just listing excuses now." She retorts,

"Maybe I just don't like him back." I say, trying to convince myself as well as Clary that I don't like Simon. I like him, but I don't know if I _like _him in that way.

"I'm just trying to be a good friend, Izzy," Clary says, "I'm going to go see Jace." She seems angry at me, perhaps I was a bit harsh. Simon is her best friend.

"No Clar-" I start, but she is already picking up her stuff and leaving.

Today at lunch I am let out early from my last lesson so when I get to the canteen only Simon is at our usual table. I don't have anywhere else to go, so I take a seat next to him knowing that the next moments will be awkward, especially after my conversation with Clary. What if she said something to Simon?

"Hey." He says, as I sit down, barely looking up from his meal to look at me. He doesn't want to make eye contact.

"Hey." I say back, lost for words. I don't want things to be awkward between Simon and me, but I can't seem to break the ice.

"So... what did you have last lesson?" He asks tentatively, still avoiding by gaze.

"English." I say and he nods, as if considering the information. His attempt at small talk is just making the situation more awkward, "How about you?" I add, trying to continue the conversation.

"Physics." He replies, as he continues to nod his head up and down. He has been doing this for a while, and it's beginning to look unnatural. Maybe Clary was right about him being intimidated by me, he does look quite nervous.

"Hm, I don't like Physics. I'm awful at it." I say, and at this he looks up,

"Really? I could always help you." He says, but I'm saved replying by Jace and Clary sitting down hand in hand.

"What you guys talking about?" Clary asks, a smug smile on her face. She ships Simon and I way too much, so I kick her under the table. I don't want her to make things even more awkward by letting Jace know what's going on.

"Nothing much." I reply and take a bite of my sandwich, just as Alec also sits down and mumbles a greeting. I wonder if he's nervous because Magnus Bane is sitting on the table beside us. Magnus keeps glancing over at Alec and I can't help but think something happened between them to create this sort of tension, but no-one else notices. Not even Jace, who is closest to Alec, notices something is up. Probably because he is too caught up in his and Clary's world to pay attention to anything else. He is the happiest I've ever seen him when he's with her.

"I was wondering if everyone wanted to go grab a coffee after school," Clary says, diverting her attention from Jace to address the three of us,

"Sounds great." I reply, and Simon also agrees, he always follows Clary to wherever she goes.

"I can't. Homework." Alec mumbles, staring at his feet. _Definitely not homework. _He's probably meeting Magnus somewhere, but I decide to keep my thoughts to myself.

"Ok just us four then." Clary says, smiling, but I can't help but dread the inevitable awkwardness when Simon and I are stuck with the couple.

Later that day, Clary, Jace, Simon and I sit in a booth at Java Jones coffee shop. Simon and I are next to each other, and Clary sits opposite me with Jace beside her. I can't help but wonder if they could get any closer if they tried, there seems to be barely an inch of space between them. We came on a Friday afternoon, the only time where there is live music and I occasionally glance at the band performing in the corner. After we place our orders for coffee and pastries, we talk about school for a bit, and Clary tells everyone stories about her art class. Then the conversation moves onto Simon,

"Simon when are you performing in here again?" Clary asks,

"What do you mean performing?" I say, turning to Simon before he can answer Clary's question,

"I'm in a band." He says, and I struggle to mask my surprise. I didn't picture Simon as the type to perform in a band.

"What's it called?" I ask, leaning in,

"It changes name about every couple of days," Clary says laughing, "It was Millenium Lint last time I asked."

"Yeah well we're Rock Solid Panda now." Simon says, smiling so wide he reveals all his teeth,

"Rock Solid Panda?" I ask, barely able to contain my laughter at his ridiculous band name, "What kind of music do you play?"

"A mixture of everything, covers mostly." Simon says nonchalantly, he seems more comfortable talking about music than he usually is. I've only ever seen him this relaxed before when he raved about the new _Star Wars _film.

"Well can I come to your next gig?" I ask,

"The band isn't that great or anything, you probably wouldn't even like it…" Simon says in protest,

"I still want to come, I'm sure you're great." I say,

"Ok." He replies, as I look back to Clary to see her and Jace as they usually are, all caught up in their own world. Jace is whispering something in Clary's ear, and Clary is giggling and leaning into Jace. Simon looks just as awkward as I feel.

"Well," I say, "this could be an interesting evening."

Despite the awkwardness in the booth as Jace and Clary continued to flirt with each other, Simon and I fell into comfortable conversation. I wouldn't have expected Simon to be such a nice person to talk to, usually he just rambles about his latest video game, but he was interested in what I was saying and turned out to be a great listener. In fact, by the time it was 8 o'clock and we had to go, Simon and I were laughing and joking about everything and nothing in particular. We were just talking, and I was so happy to listen to what he had to say. Everything was so natural between us.

Jace wanted to walk Clary home, so we all walk together to her house first. Just before Clary goes inside, she says to me,

"I knew you guys would make a great couple." And the greatest thing is that I agree with her. I giggle at Clary's comment and hug her, before Simon separates ways with Jace and I and we all walk home. I can't wait to see Simon at school on Monday.

**I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, thank you so much to all the people who are reading my story. Thanks especially to cuteasduck for the coffee shop idea. Please leave me a review it means so much! xx**


	6. Chapter 6 (Short Chapter)

**Chapter 6 (short chapter)**

I am in front of the mirror trying to get the perfect photo for Instagram. For the past three hours I have been doing my hair and makeup, choosing an outfit carefully (I decided on a tight skirt with a low-cut tube top) and positioning my phone on a pile of books in front of my mirror. Some people may say I look overly made-up, but I don't really care. I crave the likes and comments I receive from my Instagram posts, and in order to get more of them I need this photo to be perfect. I try different poses facing this way and that and I change the lighting in my room repetitively, closing the blinds and adjusting different lamps throughout my room. No matter what I do, I can't make the photo look good. I even try borrowing my dad's camera to get a better quality image, but nothing I do makes the photo look good. Perhaps I'm the one who's broken. Anger and fear boil up inside of me like bubbles in a saucepan and I am ready to explode. _I'll never be good enough. _

Eventually I am so frustrated I lash out: I kick my phone so hard the chair it's balanced on falls back into the mirror. There is a loud crash as the mirror shatters into millions of tiny pieces, falling all around me and creating a layer of glass shards covering my bedroom floor. Just as I feel like I might cry, I hear a knock on the door and a voice,

"Izzy?" It was Alec, "Is everything okay?"

"Go away Alec!" I yell, unable to keep the pain out of my voice. _I'm so stupid. _

The door opens slowly and Alec cautiously walks into my room. When he sees the destruction, his jaw drops.

"Holy shit." He gasps,

"That's not helping Alec." I say sharply, and he looks up at me, struck out of his shock,

"I'm sorry I'll go get something to clean it up." He says and leaves, walking at speed downstairs to get supplies. After he leaves I kneel down in the glass and stare at what I've done. Slowly I begin to pick the shards off the floor and place them in my palms, oblivious to the pain as the sharp edges cut my skin. I don't even notice when tears begin to roll down my face, I am so consumed by the horrible thoughts swimming around in my head.

_I'm ugly._

_I'm stupid._

_I'll never be good enough._

I hear the door open and then Alec's hands are on my shoulders, pulling me away from the glass.

"Izzy, you'll cut yourself." He says, and takes the glass out of my hands, putting it in a bin liner he must have got from downstairs. I lean on his shoulder and allow myself to cry. For a while he holds me, his touch soothing.

"What's going on with you Izzy?" He whispers,

My crying soon changes to sobbing so I am barely able to get out the words, "I'm just-not good enough, so ugly…" I mutter,

"You're so beautiful Izzy, all the guys want to date you." He says stroking my hair. He may have mean well, but it's not what I want to hear.

"You don't understand Alec," I say through sobs, "I don't _feel _beautiful."

"I know you're insecure Izzy, but one day you will feel beautiful and you will love yourself." Alec comforts me, and I allow him to tuck me into my bed, even though I've still got my makeup and uncomfortable clothes on. He clears up the mess I made and then leaves, closing the door soundlessly behind him and leaving me to my thoughts.

**So I decided to do a short chapter with this scene I hope you enjoyed, and in the future the chapters will be longer again. Please leave me a review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Taking a deep breath, I unceremoniously turn over the piece of paper on my desk. My eyes scan the page and eventually I find it, at the top of the paper: a boldly circled red letter. _C? _I got a C in my physics test. I turn around and sneak a glance at Aline's paper, she got a B. I can't believe even Aline got a better mark than me. Mutterings start as my classmates discuss their test results, and soon the room is full of the chatterings of several teenagers, some yelling across the room at their friends.

Eventually Mr Holt manages to quiet down the class, and the mutterings fade out into whispers and then into silence. He starts talking about the test results and explaining the most difficult questions, but I quickly zone out. I can't stop thinking of that C, yet another reason why my life is not perfect, and I begin to dread telling my parents, I know they'll be angry.

* * *

At lunch, I tell everyone about my bad mark in Physics.

"My dad is going to be pissed," I explain, running my fingers through my hair anxiously.

"No he won't," Alec says trying to calm me down. I think he has been worried about me since my break down the other day, despite me explaining that I was just having a bad day,

"Yeah he'll only be mad if you get another awful grade." Jace adds, grinning and leaning back in his chair. Clary slaps him on the shoulder as I almost yell,

"It's not funny Jace!"

"Simon could tutor you." Clary says, which is obviously a surprise to Simon, who looks up from his sandwich and stares at her accusingly, whilst struggling to keep the lettuce in his mouth. If I wasn't so stressed, I would find it comical. Once he's finished his mouthful he manages to speak,

"I'm probably not the best tutor, I'm not great at Physics."

"Don't be ridiculous! You're the smartest person I know, and Izzy really needs help." Clary says, in a tone that suggests he doesn't have a choice.

"I guess I can tutor you then." Simon says, cracking under her pressure. I know that Clary wants Simon and I to spend time together, and I do really need a tutor, so I agree.

"Ok then." I say, "Friday after school good for you?"

Simon nods and I get up from the table, needing to go to the toilet before my next class.

"I'll see you then." I say, picking up my bag and walking off. I hear Jace say say, "Got yourself a hot date man," before they are out of ear shot.

* * *

The school library is nothing impressive. It's a dusty room with several bookshelves lined up against the walls in orderly rows. Because of the lack of windows it is usually dark, the only illumination coming from the desk lights on the small tables set up in the middle of the room. Usually there is at least one group of students huddled up in a corner smoking, since the librarian is never here, and today is no different.

When I arrive Simon is sitting on one of the circular tables with a depressingly number of large books open in front of him. His glasses are on and his eyebrows are furrowed as he concentrates on his work. I smile at the sight of him looking so scholarly as I take a seat next to him. He's so absorbed in his work he doesn't notice my arrival so I clear my throat,

"Hi." I say.

He is startled for a moment as he looks up from his work, before realising it's me,

"Oh hey, did you bring your test?"

I take out the stack of papers from my bag and add them to the pile of sheets already on the table. He takes a look, not commenting on my astonishingly low mark, before he finds the first question I got wrong and begins to explain it to me. At first I listen: he is a good teacher and I want to improve my marks, but after a few minutes I space out and instead watch his facial expressions change as he figures out the best way to explain things to me.

"Can you pass me a pen?" He asks,

"What?" I say, startled out of my day dream,

Simon looks at me with an exasperated, but also slightly amused expression, "Were you listening to anything I said?"

Instead of replying I just look at him guiltily, as I pick up a pen from the table behind me and hand it to him. As he takes it from me our hands touch for a moment and I feel his skin hot on mine. I blush and look away.

"Listen this time." He says, and I do. By the time an hour has passed I feel much more confident about Physics, but most importantly, I feel strongly about Simon. He helped me for no personal gain of his own, and didn't even get frustrated when I wasn't listening. I'm sure he must have felt something for me too.

I grab my bag and stand up. Simon looks at me and at first I expect him to ask me out, all the guys I've dated before have. But then Simon isn't like the guys I've dated before.

"Hey Simon." I say,

"Yeah?"

"You want to go out with me sometime?"

He stares at me blankly, like what I just said went against all of his expectations.

"What?"

"I said, do you want to go on a date with me?"

"I know what you said but… why?"

I smile at him and tuck my hair behind my ear nervously, "'Coz I like you."

And then he smiles and I know I was right: he does reciprocate my feelings.

"I'd love that."

* * *

I apply a last layer of lip gloss and walk out of my bathroom, freezing when I see Alec pacing around my bedroom, biting his fingernails.

"Alec?" I ask, startling him. He looks up at me, still unsure as to how to start. "What's wrong?"

"Izzy… I need your advice." He says, walking up to me. My brother looks very out of place in my bedroom. He never wears anything except jeans and black sweaters, whilst my room is a girly mess of sparkling decorations and clothes all over the floor.

"Well this is a first." I say, trying to keep the situation light. Alec doesn't seem to notice the humorous tone of my voice and continues speaking,

"I… want to ask out Magnus." He says, looking at me to determine my reaction, "but I don't know if he'll say yes."

I can't help it when I start smiling. I'm so happy for Alec.

"You have nothing to worry about Alec, I'm sure Magnus really likes you. Just ask him." I say, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Ok, but Izzy?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think mum and dad are going to be angry?"

That completely catches me off guard. I can't believe Alec thinks our parents would be angry at him for being himself, but I can still understand his concern.

"Alec you have nothing to worry about, I'm sure they'll understand." I put a hand on my big brother's shoulder; it is not often that I comfort him and not the other way around.

"I'm just so stressed about telling them." He says, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater, I can tell he's really nervous about this.

"I'll do it with you Alec."

He looks up, surprised, "Really?"

"Of course," I say, "but right now I've got a date."

Alec laughs, "With Simon?"

"Yes." I say, "So what?"

"How long do you think that's going to last?"

In some cases I would be angry at my brother for saying something like that, but I can understand his reasoning, none of my past relationships have lasted more than a month. Besides, I'm in a good mood.

"I don't know Alec, but I'm going to give it a try. I really like him."

Alec opens his mouth to reply just as the doorbell rings,

"That's him!" I say, and run downstairs like an excitable child, leaving Alec still sitting on my bed laughing.

* * *

When I open the door, Simon is standing behind it holding a large bouquet of flowers. He's wearing a t-shirt with a Star Wars logo with the words "Keep calm and use the force" printed across it in big letters, and his jeans have holes in both knees, but I can tell tell he tried with his appearance from the hair gel which he never usually wears.

"Hey Simon." I say,

"You look beautiful." He says, and then covers his mouth like he didn't mean to say that, almost dropping the flowers. Once he composes himself, he hands me the bouquet which is full of beautiful white lilies. He laughs nervously at his clumsiness as I take the flowers,

"They're beautiful," I say, "Thank you." I put the flowers inside, before turning back to Simon.

He puts his hands in his pockets, "You're welcome." We both stare at each other for a moment, unsure of what to say, before he awkwardly gestures towards his van, which is yellow and has "Rock Solid Panda" sprayed along the side in big lettering. "Shall we go?"

I nod, "Sure."

Simon opens the door for me before walking around to the driver's side. As he gets in and starts the engine he has a grin on his face,

"I thought dinner and a movie was a bit boring… so I thought I'd take you somewhere cool."

I laugh, "Where?"

"Can't tell you." He says mischievously, and I punch his arm lightly,

"Why not?" I whine,

"It's a surprise." He says, before reversing out of the drive and setting off. For the whole journey I try to guess where he's taking me by asking questions and begging for answers. At one point I even try to bribe him with food, but he still won't give in.

Finally, he parks outside a large building I've never been in before. It looks almost exactly the same as the other warehouses which surround us, except for the large neon purple sign on the front which reads, "Arcade."

"Oh my god!" I say, as I get out of the van and see the sign, "this is such a Simon place to go."

Simon also climbs out of the car, but now he seems to be doubting himself, "We could always go somewhere else…" he says,

"No! I've always wanted to go to an arcade." I interrupt him,

"You've never been before?" He asks, an astonished look on his face.

"None of my friends would ever go with me, they always wanted to go shopping or to the beach." I explain,

"Well prepare yourself for the best time of your life!" Simon says, before grabbing my hand and dragging me behind him through the large doors.

Inside is an exciting sort of chaos. Everywhere I look there's flashing machines, and children running around. In the centre of the room there is a desk which, judging by the large variety of toys and sweets on display, I assume is where you exchange your tickets for prizes. I can barely hear Simon over the noise of the games and music,

"Where do you want to start?"

Three hours later, Simon and I are sitting on the front steps of the arcade, sharing a bag of haribo we bought with our grand total of 158 tickets. We had started with the basketball machines, then gone onto air hockey, whack-a-mole and several other games I can't remember the names of. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. It seems so natural between us now, as we laugh and recount funny stories of me getting angry at the coin machine when it wouldn't drop the lip gloss I wanted.

I turn to the side and watch Simon as he continues to ramble on, admiring his eyes and his smile. He seems so happy and careless, nothing like the person who once wouldn't meet my eyes. Before I know what I'm doing, I lean over and kiss him. I catch him off guard and when he doesn't respond immediately, I pull back, suddenly unsure of myself. Then he caresses my cheek and kisses me again, both of us more sure this time. It feels like complete bliss to lose myself to the kisses as I become unaware of my surroundings and forget my worries.

We drive home in a comfortable silence, as I watch the city go by out of the window. Whenever I'm with Simon, it's like I'm free of all my burdens. But I know that as soon as he leaves and I am alone, my insecurities will return. I just have to hope they don't consume me.

**Sizzy finally! I can't wait to continue the story with Simon more involved. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did, please leave a review, it means so much to me :D**


	8. Chapter 8

Everything with Simon is perfect. So perfect I'm afraid that I'll mess up and ruin it, I just don't want things to go badly with Simon. I'm afraid that he won't think I'm pretty when I'm not dressed up, and that he won't like the person underneath if I tell him to much about myself. I want to be perfect, because Simon is perfect.

Over the next few weeks these feelings haunt my thoughts and distract me from my everyday activities. I am unable to convince myself to relax, and instead I become more and more unhappy. I stop eating for fear of gaining weight, but this also makes my skin and hair unhealthy. I also start wearing more makeup, and waking up even earlier to get ready in the mornings. Somehow I manage to hide my struggles from everyone by doing what I've always done: smiling and acting like nothing is wrong.

I know I can't keep the act up forever, but for now all I can think about is Simon, and how much he likes spending time with me. Every time he compliments me on my outfit, or tells me I look great, it is confirmation that he likes me and motivation to continue dieting. Deep down I know it's unhealthy to be like this, but I can't help it. I feel like I'm drowning, and Simon is the one pulling me under, yet I can't seem to push him away.

Since our first study session, Simon and I have been working on my Physics for a couple of hours a week and I feel like I've improved. The problem was on the day of the test I hadn't eaten breakfast and I was so distracted I spent half the time just staring at the clock. When I turn over my test paper this time, I see an F. Even worse than last time, and I can't even bring myself to care.

After the lesson is over, Mr Holt asks me to see him so as the rest of my classmates go to their lunch break I walk up to his desk. Mr Holt takes off his glasses and polishes them before placing them down on his desk, and gesturing for me to take a seat. I do as he says, and he places his hands on the desk and leans forwards a little. I think the gesture is supposed to make him seem more friendly, but it just looks unnatural. Mr Holt is one of those teachers who think they are friends with everyone.

"Isabelle." He says, looking down at his graph which I assume has all the marks on it.

"Is this about my test score?" I ask, wanting to get the conversation over with.

"You got an F." He says, "Why? I thought Mr Lewis was tutoring you."

"He is." I say, "I was just having a bad day."

Mr Holt looks as if he doesn't believe me when he asks, "Is everything alright at home?"

"Yes." I say automatically, unwilling to discuss my home life with my Physics teacher whilst all my friends are on their lunch break.

"If you say so," He says, "I'm going to have to send a letter home to your parents about your grades."

That sends me into panic, if my parents find out about my grades they'll ask me more questions I don't want to answer. "Please don't sir, I promise I'll improve, I can retake the test."

"Alright. Come and take the test after school tomorrow." He says, "You can go."

* * *

When I arrive late for lunch, everyone is already sat down. Jace next to Clary, Simon opposite Clary and Alec, next to… Magnus. I slide into next to Simon and greet everyone.

"Where have you been Izzy?" Clary asks, "We were beginning to think you were kidnapped or something."

"I had to talk to a teacher, nothing important." I say, knowing it is not the full truth.

"Um Izzy this is Magnus." Alec says nervously, gesturing to us both. "Magnus this is my sister."

"It's nice to finally meet you." I say, though not in my usual excitable tone. Alec seems to notice my lack of enthusiasm, but he doesn't say anything.

"I got you lunch Iz." Simon says, passing me over a plate. It contains a sandwich, small salad and a chocolate pudding. Just the thought of eating it makes me feel sick.

"Thanks Simon, but I'm not really hungry." I say

"But you didn't eat breakfast." Alec says, cutting in

"You been keeping tabs on me big brother?" I say teasingly, and Alec locks eyes with me,

"I just noticed." He says,

"It's fine, I ate between lessons." I say, which seems to satisfy him. Soon the conversation turns to Alec and Magnus and I only half listen to them talk about their date. Not even Simon's sarcastic comments can cheer me up, I've just been feeling miserable lately. Instead of engaging in conversation, I spend lunch time fiddling with my spoon and pushing around the salad on my plate. Nobody seems to notice that I'm not feeling great since they're all so busy talking about Magnus and Alec. I can't help but feel a little bitter, even though I'm glad Alec finally asked Magnus out. I start day dreaming so deeply that I don't even notice when everyone begins to get up and leave one at a time. It's only when Simon and I are left alone that he speaks and I am snapped out of my trance,

"Izzy, you feeling alright?" He says, giving me a worried look. I raise my eyes from my food and look around. Suddenly I feel slightly dizzy, probably from staring at one spot for too long.

"Yeah…" I mumble, struggling to formulate full sentences.

"You seem… distant."

"I'm just tired." I say, which is the lie everyone uses when they don't want to explain what's really going on with them.

"Izzy I don't want to push it, I know you're quite a guarded person."

"What?" I say, I didn't think I was guarded. I'm not the most open person, but I still don't consider myself 'guarded'.

"Just let me know if I can help, ok?" Simon says, putting a hand on my shoulder and offering me a small smile.

"Ok." I say.

I'm not going to tell Simon what's wrong. I could never reveal that much of myself to him, or anyone else. I am determined to keep my struggles to myself and battle them on my own, without anyone else's involvement. Telling Simon too much about myself will only ruin our relationship. I don't think anyone could ever love me unconditionally, not once they've seen how broken I am.

* * *

I decide that in order to keep looking my best, I have to exercise more often. That's why on Saturday morning I wake up early (which is not unusual for me) but instead of spending hours in the bathroom, I throw on work out clothes and go to catch Jace before he leaves for his run.

Jace has gone running every Saturday morning at exactly 7 o'clock for as long as I can remember. He even goes when it's raining. As far as I'm aware, he's only ever missed it one time when he was so ill he couldn't get out of bed. I've never really understood his motivation, but I make the most of his routine by grabbing him by the shoulder just before he walks out the front door.

"Jace." I say, panting slightly from rushing down the stairs. I'm really going to have my work cut out if I'm out of breath from just running through my house.

"Izzy?" He says, taking out his headphones.

"I've come to join you." I announce, waving my arms about in a superfluous manner.

"What?" He says, clearly confused.

"I'm going running with you." I say bluntly, dropping the act.

"But Izzy, you've never been on a run before in your life." He says, and for a moment I regret my decision. He seems pretty annoyed at me messing up his routine.

"That's not true, I did a 1 mile run for charity when I was eight." I say, crossing my arms. Jace sighs as he gives in,

"Fine, try to keep up."

* * *

For the first ten minutes I enjoy myself. The feeling of the cool morning air on my face is refreshing, and I am comforted by the soft padding of my running shoes on the concrete creating a regular rhythm. I never usually go out of the house early in the morning, and I notice how uncharacteristically quiet it is around our normally quite busy neighbourhood. There's barely any cars, and we only pass one other person (who was walking their dog). It's like I stepped into an alternate reality where Jace and I are the only people.

After about one mile I start to get really short of breath and slow down, continuously falling behind Jace as he maintains a fast, regular pace.

"So Izzy, why the sudden interest in running?" Jace asks. I can't help but be irritated by how he doesn't seem out of breath.

"Just trying to keep in shape." I say between breaths as I clutch my stomach to work out the stitch. Jace laughs, and as he throws his head back slightly his hair catches the wind, causing it to flow behind him.

"You're not out of shape Iz." He says,

"I know." I say, despite my insecurities about my body. I always seem to fat or too skinny or too tall. "I just decided it was time to do more exercise."

"Fair enough."

A while later and I am physically struggling. I didn't think running was going to be this difficult. My entire body is covered with sweat and I ache everywhere from my shoulders to my toes. Despite trying to regulate my breath, I am panting as I try to suck in as much air as possible. I have started to get a pounding headache and there's black spots in my vision as dizziness sets in. Eventually I give in and stop, reaching down to rest my head on me knees to stop the world from spinning. I think I would throw up if there was anything in my stomach.

"Iz, you ok?"

It was Jace, he had backtracked to come up next to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine." I say, "Just give me a second."

I count to five in my head as I prepare myself. _One, two, three, four, five. _With a final deep breath I straighten up and start jogging again, even if I am going at a snail's pace, my body aching to the point it's almost unbearable. Jace jogs alongside me, slowing his pace to match mine.

"We've only got one more block to go." He says.

By the time I can see our house, my vision has gone almost completely black and I am mostly guided my the sound of Jace's footsteps and the faint outline of his silhouette a couple of steps in front of me. My legs feel weak as I step onto our porch. _I made it. _I hear the front door open just as my legs give way and I fall. The last thing I remember is the sound of Alec's voice before I blackout.

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Updates may be less often from now on since I have started school again. I've only planned about 4 more chapters before the ending, but I may decide to continue it on after that.**

**Please leave me a review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**I've been struggling a bit with drawing this story to an end, so I decided I would upload a few smaller chapters rather than the longer ones. Sorry for the wait but I really found writing this very difficult for some reason. Enjoy x**

Patterns of light dance on my heavy eyelids as I slowly open them. I'm lying on my back in my bedroom, staring up at the lamp on my ceiling. I turn my head to the side and see my mother. She looks as if she just got up: her hair which is usually tied back hangs loose around her shoulders, dark bags circle her blue eyes and she's wearing a loosely tied robe over her pyjamas. She smiles at me sweetly, stroking my hair behind my ear and smoothing over the duvet.

"Mom?" I say, catching her attention.

"I was so worried about you Isabelle." She says, her tone warm and affectionate, "Alec said you haven't been eating, he's worried about you."

"Are you angry at me?" I ask nervously,

"Of course not." She replies, and her words soothe me, assuring me that she isn't going to punish me. "I just want to help you."

I can't help it, I start crying. Everything I've been bottling up over the last weeks, months, even years flows out of me in the form of tears. My mom wipes them absent-midedly from my cheeks, her fingers gentle on my skin.

"I haven't been eating because I want to be skinny." I say, choosing my words to explain my emotions in the simplest way possible.

"Isabelle, you're already so beautiful." She says, and even though I know that she's my mother and she has to say those things, it still makes me feel better.

"But I feel so ugly." I say, the words a relief to speak out loud, as if a weight is being taken off my shoulders. "I'll never be perfect."

"You've always been the sort of person to strive for perfection Isabelle, but there are some things that don't need to be perfect, _can't _be perfect."

I take a deep breath in and out, processing her words. I can't help but feel slightly bitter: she had to take the high road and use this as a lesson to teach me. I wish for once that she would just tell me it's ok to feel sad, not try to coach me into self-improvement. Her patronizing tone fills me with frustration, she will always see me as the youngest child. From behind her she takes a tray with a bowel of what smells like tomato soup and a piece of bread. She hands it to me and looks at me expectantly, so I take a piece of bread and dip it in the soup before taking a small nibble. The texture of the food at the back of my throat is rough and scratchy, and the taste of tomato is overwhelming and revolting. I take a tissue and spit the bread into it, pushing the tray away from me.

"I can't do it." I say, "It's disgusting."

My mom looks at me sadly, "You have to eat something." She seems to have sympathy for my situation, but she still wants me to eat.

"I've mostly been eating raw vegetables." I say, "You could get me some carrot or something."

When she leaves, I get out of bed in a hurry, desperate to feel the movement of my limbs after sitting for what seemed like forever in the awkward tension that had stretching between my mother and I. I know she just wants to help me, but I find her feeble attempts to get me to eat infuriating and her worried expression only forces me to accept the full seriousness of the trouble I have found myself in. I am still dressed in my leggings and sports top, now stuck to my skin with sweat. I find a sense of achievement in the tiredness of my muscles and the shine that coats my body like wax, a refreshed feeling, despite the stink of body odour that surrounds me. I peel off the clothes, and have a quick shower, then change into a pair of jogging bottoms that lay unused at the bottom of my drawers. I never usually dress so casually, but I figured that this was one of those times where it was acceptable for me to be lazy.

Just as I pull a hoodie over my head, there is a knock on my door. Expecting my mother, I prepare myself for more endless coddling, but it is not her but Alec who walks in my door. He looks unsure of himself standing in my doorway, his hands stuck in his pockets and his body swaying side to side nervously.

"You can come in." I say, and he does. He walks right up to me and pulls me into a tight embrace. Alec is not usually so affectionate, and at first I tense, unprepared for the embrace, but then I relax into his arms, grateful for the comfort of his touch.

"I've been so worried about you," He says, "but I didn't realise things were this bad. That day with the mirror - I should have realised you were going through some serious shit."

"It's not your fault Alec." I say. Alec is so similar to Jace in that whenever something bad happens, he somehow finds a way to blame himself, even when there was nothing he could have done.

"I just -" He pauses as if thinking over his next words carefully. "I'm your brother, I want to help you, I want to take away your pain. Tell me what I can do."

"You can't fix this for me Alec." I say, "this is something I have to do on my own."

Alec takes a deep breath in and out, "I know." He says, "but Izzy one day you will feel beautiful, and I'm not just talking about your appearance."

I smile at him, my brother always knows what to say to make me feel better, but at this point in time I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's only darkness. I pull back from Alec, wiping the tears rolling down my cheek with the sleeve of my hoodie. I don't say anything and I think Alec takes it as his queue to leave, so he walks towards the door, casting one more concerned glance in my direction before closing the door behind him.

**Thanks for reading and sorry it was so short! Please let me know what you thought by leaving a review. Do you think now everyone knows about Izzy's struggles she will begin to feel better?**

**Sorry if there are any mistakes / typos x**


	10. Chapter 10

A knock on the door wakes me from my daydreaming. I had thought mum and Alec had gone to get a suit for the prom, and Jace was at Clary's. Confused, I make my way downstairs and look through the peephole. _Simon._ I'm suddenly very conscious of the fact I am wearing no makeup and haven't washed my hair in 4 days. Ugly sweatpants have replaced my usual mini skirts and skinny jeans and I'm wearing a giant hoodie. I look like a mess.

"Izzy, I know you're there." Comes Simon's voice from the other side of the door. I stand frozen, hoping he will go away. "Jace told me what's been going on, please let me in, I want to talk." I can't do it, I can't bring myself to open the door. "I don't feel like talking right now, Simon." I mutter.

For the last few days I have been hiding in my room. Alec, my mum and even Jace have been talking to me, trying to coax me outside. I've just been feeling like the months of bottling my emotions are suddenly crashing down on me all at once as I realise I'm going to have to start to recover now, start to be strong.

"I know you've been feeling sad Izzy, I just want to help you."

A tear rolls down my cheek, I can't help it. All this self loathing and hatred building up, and this boy turns up on my doorstep, not really understanding what's going on but wanting to help anyway. I hear a thud - Simon banging his head on the door.

"For gods sake Izzy, just open the door."

I reach for the latch on the door hesitantly. It's so quiet I could swear I could hear Simon's breathing - even through the solid oak of the door. I slide the latch off with a click, and reach for the handle. I twist and pull. I open the door a crack, just enough for me to see Simon. He's standing with one hand in his pocket, the other reaching towards the door. He's wearing a typical Simon t-shirt with a picture of a TARDIS on the front - something I only know from him forcing me to sit through hours of _Doctor Who _which I found I actually enjoyed.

If he's surprised to see me without makeup, he doesn't show it. He just smiles at me like he always does. His presence comforts me, but I resist the urge to go towards him and stay partially hidden by the door.

"Izzy, tell me what's wrong, please." Simon says, his eyes wide and his mouth turned down at the corners with concern. I shake my head furiously, fighting back tears. I will not cry again.

"You can tell me what's wrong," he says again, "please."

I look at him, and I see the desperation to help, the pain he feels at my pain, the empathy.

"I'm tired," I say, at loss for words. How do you explain something you don't understand yourself? "I'm tired of being me, I'm tired of wearing makeup and high heels, I'm just tired."

"I would never think less of you Izzy, no matter what you wore. You could wear nothing if you wanted."

I can't help it, I laugh. Realisation dawns on Simon at what he said.

"No, I didn't mean it like that -"

"I know you didn't." I say, unable to stop smiling suddenly and the nerdy and awkward boy stumbling over his words, trying his best to comfort me.

"I just wanted to be pretty. To be pretty for you." I confess.

Simon's mouth opens in surprise, "You'll always be pretty to me Iz, but that's not why I like you. I love your witty comments, and your open-mindedness, I like everything about you."

A wave of relief rushes over me. I can tell he's being sincere. I step out from behind the door and wrap my arms around him. He kisses my forehead affectionately and I bury my head in his shoulder.

"There's something I've been wanting to ask you-" he says, and I immediately tense. This sounds like bad news. "I know now is not the best time and I don't know if you even want to go but-"

"Simon." I say, "Spit it out."

He laughs a little at that, "Do you want to go to prom with me?"

I had not been expecting that. I knew prom was coming up, but honestly it had been at the back of my mind for the past few days. I hadn't thought much about it. Yet, I couldn't help but smile at the idea of walking hand in hand with Simon into some stupid school dance.

"Ok." I say. Simon looks almost shocked.

"Really?" He says, "I was almost certain you would say no."

I laugh again, "I want to come, but I haven't got a dress yet-"

"You can wear jeans if you want." He interrupts. I smile widely and kiss him, standing on my front porch. Finally I begin to feel free, like I can start to put everything behind me and recover.


End file.
